Here’s the latest on Big Daddy and the Psycho Case:

I had a win last week, well, as much as anyone wins in the Family Courts. One of the fathers that I’ve been representing for the past 9 months had the value of his relationship to his child validated by the courts. This is a man who is going through an agonizing divorce and child custody battle. We’ve been in court a dozen times seeking and fighting restraining orders, custody orders, visitation enforcements.

The mom has done everything in her power to prevent dad from seeing his 2 1/2 year old daughter. For 10 weeks she denied him visitation, before he hired me. She has used the Nuclear Option in custody battles and alleged that there sexual molestation by the father, on absolutely no evidence.

Finally the court ordered an independent evaluation of the respective parenting skills of the parent, which involved full psychological evaluation of all parties. The report came back heavily weighted in favor of my client, and so, in a last ditch effort to alienate the father from his daughter, mom decided she “had to move” out of state.

Thankfully the judge saw this case, after all the court appearances, and the psychology, for what it was. A mother doing everything she could to rid dad from his daughters life, and he put a stop to it. She can move, but if she does, dad gets full custody here in California. Suddenly she doesn’t quite “need to” anymore.

This was nothing more than what is called Parental Alienation syndrome and it is is a hot button issue, and which side you come down on, is very much determined by whether you are the parent who is trying to destroy any relationship between your kids and your ex, which frequently masquerades as “protecting the children”, or whether you are the ex, the “target”.

It is a pattern of behavior that creates fear, anxiety and distrust of the target parent. Frequently it is the mother, but it could be either parent, who tries in subtle, and sometimes not so subtle ways, to create a wedge in the relationship between parent and child.

The subject is difficult to identify because of what the alienator does, as an example, “Susie, I want you call me as soon as you get to daddy’s house. You know you can ALWAYS call me if you need me.”  On the surface this looks like mom is just being a concerned mother. But the underlying message is that “Dad’s is not a safe environment for you and I’m concerned for your welfare.”

Many judges, lawyers, therapists, counselors and evaluators will not see this as an example of PAS, but when comments like that pile up, it begins to create a wedge between child and parent. The goal of the alienating parent is to destroy the relationship between parent and child, so that in a child custody case, full custody is given to one parent in contravention of the other’s rights. Father’s already have a hard time with this, as they are usually not the primary caregiver, so already their relationship is being minimized due to time constraints.

This topic was widely covered in the media in April of 2007, when Kim Basinger released a private family phone call from the father of her daughter, Alec Baldwin. This was a clear attempt at parental alienation, and was in my opinion a wholly inappropriate and mean spirited thing to do. Mr. Baldwin has a book coming out today about his trials and tribulations in Family Court, called “A Promise to Ourselves”. as he said in his public apology, “I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years now. You have to go through this to understand. (Although I hope you never do.)”

It is a common belief that men don’t love their children as much as women. Well, in the case I’ve dubbed ‘Big Daddy and the Psycho’, he drives 2 1/2 hours each way, twice a week, to spend 2 hours with his daughter, and every other week he makes that trip a third time, to pick up the baby for a weekend visit. He spends 10 hours a week in traffic, to see his child for a mere 4 hours a week.

Dads can be, and are, dedicated parents also.

Here’s a Parental Alienation resource for telling your side of the story. The folks at www.keepingfamiliesconnected.org are not just building a website, they are living the horror of Parental Alienation. They built this site to help others deal with the pain of the loss, and to hopefully create a roadway back to their children and their lives. It’s a great idea, and they’ve done a wonderul job of setting up an example of what a parent who is fighting for the right to see their kids should do. The video is a great example of a father’s devotion.

If you’re a dad who is experiencing the loss of a child through Parental Alienation, creating a website here, might be the way that your kids can  reunite with you as they grow up.  Parental Alienation Resource

The topic of Parental Alienation syndrome is a hot button issue, and frankly what side you come down on, is very much determined by whether you are the parent who is trying to destroy any relationship between your kids and your ex, or whether you are the ex.

In a nutshell, it is when a parent, usually the mother, tries in subtle, and sometimes not so subtle ways, to create a wedge in the relationship betwen father and child. Professionals across the spectrum argue over what constitutes it, but a great resource for a parent who is concerned, is www.breakthroughparenting.com, Dr. Jayne Majors is an expert at spotting it, and giving men the tools they need to combat it.

Here’s an example of what a mom does  that is TEXTBOOK PARENTAL ALIENATION, “Susie, I want you call me as soon as you get to daddy’s house. You know you can ALWAYS call me if you need me.”  ON the surfact this looks like mom is just being a concerned mother. but the underlying message is that “Dad’s is not a safe environment for you and I’m concerned for your welfare.”

Many judges, lawyers, therpasts, counselors and evaluators will not see this as an example of PAS, but when comments like that pile up, it begins to create a wedge between child and parent. The goal of the alienating parent is to destroy the relationship between father and child, so that in a child custody case, full custody is given to mom in contravention of the father’s rights.

This is a big topic and it covers manys subject areas, many of my posts are tagged with PAS, as they all relate to it somehow.

In the world of raising children, Moms get the right to decide if they are going to have a child, usually they decide how to raise the child, and dad gets to pay - no matter what.

Moms always have two main complaints, 1) “He’s a terrible father - he never spends any time with his child,” and 2) ”Child support doesn’t even begin to cover all the costs of raising a child.” It’s the Catch-22 of child support.

Child Support doesn’t cover the costs of having a child in your possession - everyone agrees on that, which means that it is more expensive to support the child when they are in your care. So when Dad wants to take a bigger, more expensive role, in his kids life, mom says it is only to LOWER his Child Support Payments? Yes, that is how the argument goes, because it would lower his child support payments to her, but not what it costs him.

You’d think that when a Dad steps up to the plate and wants more custodial time with his child, Moms would jump at the chance to have Dad shoulder more of the burden - you’d be wrong. Mom’s argument now becomes, “He’s only doing it so he doesn’t have to pay as much child support.”

The choice for men is either be a good Dad, pay more money and ignore the complaints of Mom, or be a bad Father, pay less money and ignore the verbal abuse from Mom.

MORAL OF THE STORY: You’re going to be labeled a “bad Dad” no matter what, either you don’t spend enough time with your kids, which mom will fight you on, or you don’t give her enough money, so do what is right for your kid - be there for them. And pay your child support on time.

Big Daddy is a bear of a man, 6′2″ and 290 pounds. His ex-wife, after their marriage of 2 years, decided that even though he was good enough to sleep with, marry, father a child with, and take his money, he just wasn’t good enough to be a father to their 2 year old daughter.

Mind you, he had THREE other children, by two other wives. BOTH of whom he vacationed with, and stayed with, and whose new spouses even liked him.

Psycho, who was the one that wanted to divorce him currently, says that even though they both did drugs, and both drank too much, he was the alcoholic/drug addict and he should not be allowed near his daughter. She’d take the child support money though. [click to continue...]

Moms love to link the ability to pay Child Support to Dad’s visitation.

Many moms try to keep the fathers away from the kids, if dad is behind in child support.

THIS IS FLAT OUT WRONG AND EVIL.

You should not be prevented from seeing your kids, just because you can’t afford the child support. Your relationship with your kids goes beyond that of the financial. You’re more than just an ATM for Mom’s needs.

The courts, AND MOM, have to allow you to have time with your kids so that you can build a relationship and bond with them. No one can prevent a willing father from seeing his father, just because he’s out of money.

This is the cry of many a father who is fighting to save his kids. Of those fathers who come to see me who want to take “full custody” or “primary custody” of their kids, many of them say things about their ex, like that.

I hear stories about moms who are prostitutes, drug abusers, alcoholics, negligent, abusive, mentally abusive, physically abusive, emotionally abusive. I have gone up against moms who hit engage in fights with their children that end up causing scars, both physical and emotional.

The sad fact is that these moms will still get some custody and/or visitation with their children.  The reason why is that even a bad mother, has a right to see her children.

And that goes for dads as well. Even terrible, horrible, abusive fathers, have a right to see their kids. The thing to remember, is that the parents right to share in raising their children is SUPERIOR to even the best interests of the child.

Even if every judge, every lawyer, every counselor says it is in the best interests of the child to not see their parent, that parent still has a right to a relationship with that kid, and a judge will order visitation.

Fox News is reporting:

Charlie Sheen is planning to sue his ex-wife Denise Richards for defamation and seek full custody of their two daughters after she told a court he molested them, the New York Post’s Page Six gossip column reports.

This is GREAT news for the men in California - the Family Code says that if she is making false accusations, he could be granted full custody of the children - I’d like to see it happen!

Divorces are ugly, emotional times for most people. They get even uglier when there is a lot of property to fight over, and they are at their ugliest when a parent is using the children to extract money, and/or revenge on the other parent.

Rumors are swirling in the blogosphere about the Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards divorce and the latest allegations in their custody battle. There are allegations of child abuse by Ms Richards, and until these are investigated and proved, no one is guilty of anything.

But they point to an alarming trend that most family law practitioners are noticing, and that is an upsurge in the allegation of child abuse by one parent against the other. Most frequently it is the mother alleging that the father is either a “bad parent” who lacks parenting skills and is only mildly abusive, to the nuclear option of sexual molestation.

The definition of abuse of children has changed radically over the last the 30 years. It used to be common for a child to be spanked, and for some parents to use a belt or a paddle to correct their children’s behavior. The book Mommy Dearest chronicled the path of abuse that Christina Crawford suffered from the late film star Joan Crawford, and its effects on her life, and it flung wide open the door to the topic of child abuse.

Abuse, like everything, has a spectrum, from the mildly negligent care of a preoccupied parent to the physical and mental abuse of a deranged pedophile. Our social tolerance for any type of abuse has dropped significantly, and the fighting parent who is using the children to get back at their spouse may not stop at making allegations that are false. [click to continue...]