Here’s the deal - the Courts are lazy. Especially in child custody and visitation matters.

Not that they don’t want to work, but they don’t want to change things too much. They like the status quo, the situation as it stands, keep things calm and even. There’s a reason for this, and it almost makes sense. They know that kids need to have stability, and if you’re in the middle of a divorce or a bitter child custody battle, changing things all the time is not good for the children.

The court in general does not want to interfere in the lives of the people in front of it more than it has to. The more specific an order has to be, the harder it is on the judge, but also, it takes away from the realities of life. When an unexpected situation occurs, and it always will, the court wants the people involved to be able to cooperate and be flexible, to find a resolution that will work, without the court involved.

Sometimes that is possible, sometimes not.

This is why in some child custody cases, we have very short Parenting Plans, and other times, every possibility is covered, and it is still not enough.

So what does it take to change Child Custody? Generally it takes a “material change in circumstance.” That means something big has to have changed in either the child’s life, or the parent’s life. For example, Mom got a new boyfriend and they moved in together and he’s a violent alcoholic, or little Bobby is switching up to high school and it’s closer to Dad’s house.

Many times the child wants to live with dad, and depending on their age, that may be enough, if the situation is a healthy one and they are not simply rebelling at mom’s discipline.

But the bottom line is it is an uphill battle, because as mom’s custodial time goes down, so does her child support, and that is frequently her reason for fighting a change in custody. That, combined with the courts resistance to change, makes changing child custody an uphill battle.

This is also why some moms use Parental Alienation to increase their hold over their kids. It’s a brutal, emotionally traumatizing action, and it effects the child as much as it effects the dad.

Child custody battles are not right, fair or even intelligent, but they are the way they are. And men need to know the facts about changing custody and visitation, and to fight for their rights on those grounds.

The topic of Parental Alienation syndrome is a hot button issue, and frankly what side you come down on, is very much determined by whether you are the parent who is trying to destroy any relationship between your kids and your ex, or whether you are the ex.

In a nutshell, it is when a parent, usually the mother, tries in subtle, and sometimes not so subtle ways, to create a wedge in the relationship betwen father and child. Professionals across the spectrum argue over what constitutes it, but a great resource for a parent who is concerned, is www.breakthroughparenting.com, Dr. Jayne Majors is an expert at spotting it, and giving men the tools they need to combat it.

Here’s an example of what a mom does  that is TEXTBOOK PARENTAL ALIENATION, “Susie, I want you call me as soon as you get to daddy’s house. You know you can ALWAYS call me if you need me.”  ON the surfact this looks like mom is just being a concerned mother. but the underlying message is that “Dad’s is not a safe environment for you and I’m concerned for your welfare.”

Many judges, lawyers, therpasts, counselors and evaluators will not see this as an example of PAS, but when comments like that pile up, it begins to create a wedge between child and parent. The goal of the alienating parent is to destroy the relationship between father and child, so that in a child custody case, full custody is given to mom in contravention of the father’s rights.

This is a big topic and it covers manys subject areas, many of my posts are tagged with PAS, as they all relate to it somehow.

Big Daddy is a bear of a man, 6′2″ and 290 pounds. His ex-wife, after their marriage of 2 years, decided that even though he was good enough to sleep with, marry, father a child with, and take his money, he just wasn’t good enough to be a father to their 2 year old daughter.

Mind you, he had THREE other children, by two other wives. BOTH of whom he vacationed with, and stayed with, and whose new spouses even liked him.

Psycho, who was the one that wanted to divorce him currently, says that even though they both did drugs, and both drank too much, he was the alcoholic/drug addict and he should not be allowed near his daughter. She’d take the child support money though. [click to continue...]

I’ve written a piece at www.divorce360.com on the Nuclear Option that some Moms are using against Dad in a Custody Fight these days - CHARGING HIM WITH SEXUALLY ABUSING THE KIDS. The main article is about the effects of it, and how to defend yourself against the allegation.

From the Sidebar at

TIPS TO BUILD A NUCLEAR “MOMSHELTER”

1. Have a video record of your visitations that objectively shows how you and your child interact.
One of the common complaints from fathers is that mom is misinterpreting children’s “potty mouth” play. Fart jokes can befunny, but if a kid tells mom, “Dad and I were playing with our butts” it can send up the wrong red flags. Having playtime on video can show how harmless your actions really were.

2. Doctors are mandated reporters, meaning if they suspect abuse, they must report it.
Be vigilant about what happened and why. When a child is taken to the doctor, be aware of HOW a question is phrased. In one case, mom was asking about a daughter’s urinary tract infection this way, “Is it possible she was sexually molested?” The way in which the question is phrased makes it almost impossible for a doctor to say “No.” This can be misconstrued by a nervous mother as “proof” of dads molestation.

3. Photos are also important.
They are particularly important if a child comes homes withscrapes and bruises that mom hasn’t seen before. Children hurt themselves all the time, but you should document as much as you can, so that if you need to defend yourself, you can show that the child is prone to getting hurt.

4. Keep a written diary of what you do with the kids and who was there.
Having a long list of witnesses to your parenting abilities can be crucial to cutting off allegations of negligence on your part.

5. If your ex is starting to wage the abuse war, you have to go on the alert.
Be aware of the set up situation — This is where something crucial, like a medication, has been withheld by mom and then mom calls Child Protective Services on the pretext that the child is in mortal danger. This can happen.

Fox News is reporting:

Charlie Sheen is planning to sue his ex-wife Denise Richards for defamation and seek full custody of their two daughters after she told a court he molested them, the New York Post’s Page Six gossip column reports.

This is GREAT news for the men in California - the Family Code says that if she is making false accusations, he could be granted full custody of the children - I’d like to see it happen!

Divorces are ugly, emotional times for most people. They get even uglier when there is a lot of property to fight over, and they are at their ugliest when a parent is using the children to extract money, and/or revenge on the other parent.

Rumors are swirling in the blogosphere about the Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards divorce and the latest allegations in their custody battle. There are allegations of child abuse by Ms Richards, and until these are investigated and proved, no one is guilty of anything.

But they point to an alarming trend that most family law practitioners are noticing, and that is an upsurge in the allegation of child abuse by one parent against the other. Most frequently it is the mother alleging that the father is either a “bad parent” who lacks parenting skills and is only mildly abusive, to the nuclear option of sexual molestation.

The definition of abuse of children has changed radically over the last the 30 years. It used to be common for a child to be spanked, and for some parents to use a belt or a paddle to correct their children’s behavior. The book Mommy Dearest chronicled the path of abuse that Christina Crawford suffered from the late film star Joan Crawford, and its effects on her life, and it flung wide open the door to the topic of child abuse.

Abuse, like everything, has a spectrum, from the mildly negligent care of a preoccupied parent to the physical and mental abuse of a deranged pedophile. Our social tolerance for any type of abuse has dropped significantly, and the fighting parent who is using the children to get back at their spouse may not stop at making allegations that are false. [click to continue...]